Our second day in Vienna was destined to be all about art. We started appropriately with the oldest stuff before moving to the new, and to that end we gathered up the family and went off to visit the Kaiserliche Schatzkammer, which I too would have assumed was a sex act illegal within any incorporated U.S. territory, but turns out to be the Imperial Treasury!

That place was absolutely stunning. I guess that you shouldn’t be surprised that the consolidated treasures of a 1000 years of imperial domination would be impressive, but the sheer craftsmanship on display I would not have comprehended until I got there. The place isn’t too large really, but there is room after room of items of exquisite mastery. From a sheer artistry standpoint I think the most impressive items were all the textiles. They had a number of liturgical vestments that used a “needle painting” and embroidery technique to make these portraits out of thread and I just did not know that you could do that. It is amazing that in the span of human history we mastered needle painting and then like 300 years later got around to a flush toilet with an s-bend.

Like I said the fam was with us on this one, or more accurately we were with them, as this was the chosen destination of my brother. His interest, you see, was in the fact they casually have the Spear of Destiny sitting around in one of their display cases. I am sure it is the real one and has real powers. And since I am sure of that, what was even more impressive was all of the other relics they have just sitting around. Here is a short list of the, again, completely authentic items they have on display:

• A thorn from the crown of thorns of Christ
• A piece of Christ’s mockingpipe (that’s what Google translate said)
• A piece of the True Cross
• A piece of the loincloth of Christ
• A piece of the tablecloth from the Last Supper (Beatlemania previewed, no?)
• A piece of wood from Christ’s manger
• A tooth and a piece of a robe of John the Evangelist

That is not an exhaustive list, be assured. Also at the Treasury were crown jewels too, those were shiny. I know the Imperial Crown is what they like to put on their marketing materials, but I liked best the crown of Rudolph II. That sucker is gold and pearls and gem all around, with scenes done in gold repoussé depicting the highlights of his own life, which is definitely a flex. And again, just remarkable craftsmanship. It wasn’t until a few decades later that humanity got around to inventing the corkscrew. Wild.

Emerging from the dim, textile-protecting lighting, my super amazing wife and I split off from the fam to go fortify ourselves with some classic Vienna chocolate cake. From there we wandered around Vienna some, looking at various sights from Atlas Obscura, before making our way to the Albertina Museum. Needing something stronger than just chocolate cake, we also had lunch at the museum café where I spent most of the time jealous of a beautiful little orange tree they had sitting there.

Having lunched, it was into the museum! The museum was smaller than I had thought it would be, but it was nice. On the top floor they had every impressionist you could think of and a whole room of Picasso (I now understand this might have been a special exhibit). I was very impressed with the technique of some of them. Then we went over to the exhibit “Die Wiener Boheme” which is a very funny name. A Bohemian wiener, ha ha! The exhibit was mostly filled with sketches and watercolors this group of dudes did while hanging out in cafés. They are merely sketches but man those guys were so good, it is stunning, representing faces and bodies and whole scenes just in pencil, I can’t imagine how they do it. Some of them were pretty funny too, and several had (from my notes) something resembling an art deco theme.

Wandering off from there we saw a photography exhibit and then some neon works that were better than I thought they would be. One was titled “Email” which is funny (I wrote that down at the time, now I’m wondering what I meant). I also gathered that the Austrian German word for “enamel” is in fact “email,” so back at the Treasury many of the crown jewels and the like were noted as being made of email. At this point, me too buddy. Full of centuries of art we were sated enough to make our way back to the ship for the night.