Zambian News Redux

Reading this week:

  • The Marsh Arabs by Wilfred Thesiger
  • Once There Was a War by John Steinbeck

So I know I like just did a Zambian News post, and was going to try to hold off on doing another one, but then out of nowhere this fantastic headline appeared:


How can you say that?! If anything, Zambia has the best journalism on the planet! Where else, tell me, do you get hard-hitting, in-depth, grade A reporting like “Most Zambian Men Have Low Sperm Count?!” What other news organizations cover the important witch-doctor-and-magic-charm beat, with important stories such as “Tenant Sues Landlord for Calling him a Wizard” (I feel like in America if someone called you a wizard it wouldn’t be a defamation case), or “Sacrifice Your Boyfriend or Son and You Will Be Rich, Witch Tells Slayqueen” (other items required for the ritual: 30 hard boiled eggs, $100, a syringe filled with blood from his left testicle, two black feathers, and urine mixed with salt), or “52 year old Zambian Woman Sleeps With Her Son Every Wednesday To Sustain His Wealth” (Quote from the article: “Yvonne, a native of Ndola confessed to ZambiaWatchDog that she is the main pillar of her son’s success by offering her nakedness to him once a week as instructed by the witch doctor he got his riches from. ‘We have sex every Wednesday and we do it at my house where the charm was buried.’ According to Yvonne, ‘the price is that, once I stop sleeping with him, all our hard earned wealth will vanish in thin air and my son will die a very painful death.'” My only question is why Wednesday in particular?)?!

Zambian news has invaluable life advice! How about the article “How to Get Your Man to Marry You Without Being Pushy or Looking Desperate – For Women?” In case you missed the article (which, if you couldn’t tell, is written by a guy who blames women in casual relationships for playing “heart games”) the author gives four-part advice:

  1. Date someone with a vision
  2. Look like a wife (this references a bible quote)
  3. Meet each other’s family
  4. If you are selling a cow, stop giving free milk to customers who only need milk

Where else are you gonna get such hard-hitting advice outside sleazy Tumblr blogs?!

I mean, to be fair, a lot of Zambian news could happen anywhere. The Man hospitalized after waiting for a no-show facebook girlfriend for ten days at Airport could have been from anywhere. Unless you clicked through, how could you tell “Garden Sewer Ponds Crocs Posing Danger to Life” isn’t Florida (most concerning part of this article is the guy who notes “My friends and I spend most of our time at the sewer ponds, especially during weekends”)? Just try to name a dude in the world that doesn’t sympathize with the defendant in Bring Back My Pants [Underwear] and Show Them to the Court, Husband Tells Wife? Underwear is important!

With that being said, I guess, I can’t imagine this narrative arc happening a whole lot of other places:

And in the final category, not only does Zambian news have magic, politics, and life advice, there is also a large amount of good ole’ fashioned sex (er, s*x):

  • Kitwe S*x Workers Disappoints Government (this is actually a story about a government program to empower sex workers in Kitwe by helping them start businesses selling beans or kapenta or other activities and the women aren’t participating because they make more money more quickly by being sex workers, but the headline makes it seem like a comment on the quality of the sex workers)
  • Kim Jong-Un Gives A Last Warning To The African Youths (you wouldn’t think this is a story about sex, but the story has the line “I [Kim Jong-Un] have the ability to hit you from inside my bedroom, do not let me use force to tell you to stop.”)
  • Man Cheats of Wife with USA Tourist, He Leaves Too Much Evidence on His Phone (From the article: “Apparently they only had oral and an@l s*x. But Elena wants him back and proposed that he brings his wife along! She also promised him some s*x from the front.”)

So to Mr. Man Proclaiming The Death of Journalism in Zambia, I say: that shows you!